ASIAN INVASION

As we celebrate July 4th, it occurs to me that Josh Hutcherson, one of the stars of my upcoming movie DETENTION, has a patriotic film coming up called RED DAWN. This is a film I am looking forward to seeing because I liked the original, and it also stars my good friend Will Yun Lee as the bad guy. It’s a movie about America being invaded by a foreign country and a group of kids shooting back while eating deer meat. I am hoping they update this remake and have the kid who kills the deer be gay, so that the rest of the movie the kids have soy flavored, gluten free deer jerky as they fight for America.

However there is some controversy to the film. They had shot it with the invading country being China, but the Chinese government protested and the studio decided to digitally change the country to North Korea – a country that won’t protest because their movie projectors are made out of 1,000 starving schoolchildren making funny shapes with their bodies.

There is a lesson here, and it is not that Hollywood are pussies that bow to censorship at political pressure from thin skinned foreign governments. The lesson very clearly is this:

ALL ASIAN PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE.

OK white people, let's get the obvious out of the way: Asian people have slanted eyes. This allows us to see in cinemascope and paint excellent pictures of watercolored landscapes. The extra peripheral vision is very useful in blocking kung fu kicks. In ten percent of the population, the slanted eyes actually achieve night vision.

Though labelled yellow, Asian people come packaged in an assortment of colors. My friend Dan Ming is darker than Beyonce, but ironically, Dan Ming's karaoke is whiter than Frank Sinatra. Personally, my farmer's tan on my arms is darker than my chest, therefore I am proof that like Autobots, Asians come in duo-tone colors. Do not try to make out with an Asian who is grey. He's dead.

All Asians eat rice. Bread is ok, but rice is nice. In North Korea, there is no rice, so Asians eat each other. The grey ones taste terrible.

Now that I have described the basic physical traits of Asians, let's proceed to learn the differences between different Asian cultures. I will describe this within context of universal racial equality and a utopian ideal of peaceful coexistance.

I will compare Asians to aliens in Star Trek.

JAPANESE ARE VULCANS!!!




Vulcans used to be war-like but renounced their violent past to become a technologically sophisticated society based on peace and logic. However, during mating season, they go pretty fucking weird and watch animated porn with schoolgirls being raped by a giant octopus.

Example: that nerd on Heroes.




SOUTH KOREANS ARE ROMULANS!!!



Romulans are close cousins to Vulcans who embraced their war-like nature while still achieving a technologically advanced society. Romulans are fairly chill, but anger them and they will throw their Samsung plasma screens at your head. Also, they are not turned on by giant octopus.

Example: Will Yun Lee, Me.




NORTH KOREANS ARE KLINGONS!!!



Klingons have a Great Leader problem and a hard-on for photon torpedoes. They're basically nuts. Starfleet Federation has imposed economic sanctions, but this means crap because Great Leader thinks he was born from a giant egg. What the fuck.

Example: I hope to God I don't look like this guy when I grow up.




CHINESE ARE BORG!!!



Borg must assimilate the entire universe until everyone is Borg. One way to do this is by never being wrong. Even if you have a ferociously capitalistic market economy, just call it communism anyway. Because Borg are never wrong. That's right Taiwan, you must be assimilated.

Example: General Chang from Star Trek 6: Undiscovered Country*



*Hold on, Kahn, you say. General Chang is an actual Klingon! I say: his last name is Chang. That’s Chinese as fuck. And look at his Fu Manchu moustache. He looks like he wants to beat Jackie Chan’s ass in Drunken Master. Anyway, it’s my blog, my rules. Fuck you.


THAI'S ARE BETAZOIDS!!!



Betazoids are telepathic and empathetic. These are the nicest and politest Asians you will ever meet. Even when they have military coupe's, they're extremely polite. So assholes, stop sending your pedophiles to their country.

Example: DETENTION stunt coordinator/fight choreographer Don Therrada (example of polite Thai person, not pedophile).





VIETNAMESE ARE FERENGI!!!



Ferengi caused some controversy when they were first created because they were criticized as thinly veiled depictions of offensive Jewish stereotypes: greedy. But I will now usurp that offensive stereotype and place it on my Vietnamese friends, because you know you motherfuckers love money.

Example: Professional Poker Player




FILIPINO'S ARE RANDOM ALIEN CHICKS CAPTAIN KIRK BANGED!!!



So I was on this job and my Half Filipino producer thought a full Filipino crew girl might be good for someone she knew. But then the Filipino crew girl got drunk and started dancing the lesbian dance on top of the bar. I dunno, maybe it's the island thing.

Example: Damn.



And finally:

JEWS ARE CAPTAIN KIRK!!!



Captain Kirk banged a whole lot of alien women. I think he rarely hooked up with a human. If the girl had three eyes or teeth in her vagina, he was all up in it. You could say he had ALIEO FEVER. If there one subset of white men who bang a lot of Asian women, it’s Jewish men. They even asked why this is in the SOCIAL NETWORK, and I will answer it here:

There has been this racist thing where certain WASPs tell Jews they are not white enough culturally, and that they have physical traits that aren’t American enough. But to Asian people, ALL WHITE PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE. We can’t tell that Woody Allen isn’t Robert Redford. To an Asian girl, he’s white. He’s Brad Pitt. You don't have to luck out and be one of those super good looking Liev Shriebers. To Asian girls, all Jews are just really smart, successful Brad Pitts. And who really gives a shit about Christmas.

Jewish guys love Asian girls. Asian girls love Jewish guys. And secretly, they both know if they reproduce, their kids are going to end up being the Harvard versions of this:



Example: the Facebook guy.



Yeah. Their kids are going to be hot.