tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27236947082417838972024-03-13T16:41:32.124-07:00As Seen On TVThe Official Blog of Joseph KahnJoseph Kahnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17856118497554490394noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2723694708241783897.post-49972209052399263762011-09-16T01:37:00.000-07:002011-09-19T15:52:58.519-07:00Analyzing Action<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">A film critic named Jim Emerson recently deconstructed an action sequence from Dark Knight and claimed that it violated filmmaking rules and spacial relationships. He thought the sequence was indecipherable and that Christopher Nolan, when it comes to action, is essentially incompetent. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">As gentlemanly as that sounds, the methodology he uses is inaccurate and misleading. I’m not out to destroy this guy, but his observations are so flawed it just can’t be left in the universe like that. With the internet being what it is, I'd rather not have this misguided laugh track become the Loose Change of film geeks. Plus, Emerson sounds like a prick.</span> <br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I don’t have a problem of criticism. In fact, I love film criticism and think it is vital to the historical and cultural dialogue of cinema. Great criticism helps define our interpretation of art and is a canon of thought that shapes both future artists and audiences. A good critic is just as valuable to the cinema as the movies themselves, and I have learned as much reading as I have watching or making (note: criticism as in critical analysis is not always the same as "reviews").</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">However, there is a point where criticism is so flawed and the author is pontificating on an area that is so out of his area of expertise, he is basically talking out of his ass. That is Jim Emerson’s knowledge of film space and the “rules” he has regurgitated out of a basic textbook. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I am going to go over his major points and explain the flaws. I’m going to skip over as many “opinions” as I can as he has every right to hold them, however smug they may be. This would be things like his personal preferences of how guns should fire, marksmanship, or how characters should act. Instead, I simply want to address points he explains as “rules” – which are not. Basically, anything he states as a “violation” is what I’m after here.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">We’ll start with an accusation from him, and then my response. I’ve occasionally embedded snippets of his video.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">INTRO: “A filmmaker has two tools to convey information visually – composition and cutting.”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This is old film school thought. It’s not even oversimplification, it’s wrong. It stems from the technological origin of silent filmmaking. Film began as “film,” literal strips of pictures moving through some sort of isolated gate that unified an image in sequential progression creating an illusion of movement. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/buster_keaton_cameraman.jpg" /><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The addition of actually physically editing different strips created the idea of a “cut.” The delineation of composition and edits exists as a technical solution, but there is no <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">conceptual </i>reason why these two must live apart. The concept of a “shot” is a technical term that makes it easy to produce, but modern techniques like morphing and inverted blends can create cinematic ideas that are neither edits nor separated.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The idea that cinema exists “in the cut” implies that all filmmaking is based on some subconscious, comparative analysis of images. While the mind does naturally have a pattern recognition mode, it’s not the edit that triggers this. We are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always </i>doing this, in ALL ART, at ALL TIMES. In fact, as you get out of bed your mind is triggering a historical pattern response to orient you and make sure you don’t knock into your bedstand. It is not the placement of two images that creates the unique experience that is cinema. A typical motion graphics flash page on a website can fuck this concept in the ass.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Many of our old critical thoughts on the aesthetics of film are defined by the limitations of old technology and workflow. This includes sound, which was originally added as an afterthought and curiosity, but is as fundamental to cinematic technique as the concept of a “picture.” We again only separate because we must shoot sound separately from the picture, but this has nothing to do with the actual unit of a cinematic idea. David Lynch for one composes images with sound, and his images are inseparable from the audio.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As modern technology makes it easier and cheaper to access picture and sound and manipulate it, digital filmmaking will release our critical thinking from being so closely tied to shorthand production terminology, and reveal a purer cinematic ideal that is not afraid to embrace how we really experience movies.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Any analysis that views film from only from the prism of composition and editing, and excludes sound, has made a completely arbitrary line in the sand that does not reflect that actual totality of what you actually saw.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Now, Dark Knight.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: Nolan violates the 180 degree rule, and this is confusing.</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Emerson never explains <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">why</i> the 180 degree “rule” supposedly works. I have yet to read any precise technical papers on this, but it’s pretty obvious that as we tend to view images scanning on a horizontal plane during the course of a normal day - cars, lions and OJ Simpson will attack you from ground. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As a survival mechanism, evolution has trained the human race to stare at the white’s of each other’s eyes to decipher danger and direction. Thus when someone on a screen stares left, we will instinctually look left to follow their eyes. A person then on the left looking right will reciprocate an interaction as our eye shifts to their direction. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">However, Emerson has discombobulated this with action sequences, demanding that they strictly adhere to eyelines and a constant screen direction, as if once set they can never change (why not?). Even on an evolutionary level, the white-eye left/right instinct can be overridden. Stand on the ledge of a tall building and all you’ll look is down. Enter a cave of falling stalactites. Architecture, danger, and kinetics can change and reset where you look, and how you look. Action scenes can be solidly designed with this in mind, and it happens all the time.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Furthermore, Emerson confuses screen direction with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">meaning. </i>An example is how he professes confusion over where Harvey Dent is sitting in the back of the truck. The sequence begins with Harvey walking to the back of the truck, and clearly shows him sitting on the passenger side. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Emerson then claims he is completely lost as to where Dent is sitting for most of the action sequence because he is often “facing” the wrong direction in the chase. But Dent is an windowless contained space. 1) Part of his character’s perspective is to be isolated and confused to the outside world. It is ridiculous to flop around angles to match outside action as it defeats the subjectivity of his reactions 2) Yet the audience always knows he’s on the passenger side because 3) Nolan has chosen to constantly keep him framed on the identical right side to reinforce his positioning.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This is pattern recognition, and it overrides the 180 degree line. The audience cannot be convinced otherwise because Nolan locks it into their brains: Dent’s on the passenger side. And a character’s subjective perspective, how he <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feels </i>about what he’s in, is something Emerson is tone deaf to in pursuing his eyelines.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Now I’m going to quickly analyze some of his criticisms:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “Again we don’t know but we assume since this is the only truck we’ve seen, that it’s the one Harvey’s in.”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Yes <i>of course</i> we know that’s Harvey’s truck because we’ve just cut to the “only truck we’ve seen.” Also, it has a fucking spotlight on it. He brings up a false question then answers it. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “This feels like a reverse angle which means this guy is now sitting where Harvey should be.”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Weird claim because by his own AXIS OF ACTION rules the cop is looking correctly from left to right, as the car is driving from left to right. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">And Harvey’s reverse pivots correctly.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “This little bit doesn’t accomplish anything. Why would you cut away from a convoy just when it’s getting going?”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This question of why we cut away isn't really a question but an opinion - an opinion of how he would have personally directed the scene. Very cute. But masquerading as technical analysis, the opinion shows shocking disconnect from the plot mechanics of the story. This obviously establishes the Joker is setting up his plan. Hitchcock himself stipulated tension is built by showing a ticking bomb to an audience at the beginning of a scene - instead of just randomly blowing it up. This scene sets the danger of the Joker as the timer and now the audience gets to anticipate his arrival instead of passively watching.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Duh. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “The Joker shows up so brief it’s not really effective.”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Not effective? A guy in spooky white face and black eyes just popped out and kills a cop with a shotgun. What the fuck is he talking about?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “It would have been more ominous to just go straight into this next shot.”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Aside from ignoring Hitchcock for his directorial preference, this is where ignoring sound design would make you miss a wonderful detail: the shotgun blast echoes and raises the guitar hum in the next shot like an ear ringing. You still feel the Joker in the next sequence because you still hear him. This is sophisticated sound design working in tandem with the edit. All tools of cinema are at play here.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “A minor quibble, the previous shot sets this up to be a POV shot, and it isn’t a true POV shot. If it were, it would have to be three vehicles ahead of here...the imprecision of Nolan’s camera placement creates much more serious logistical problems later.”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Emerson just completely fucks this one up. There is simply no rule in cinema that states cutting to a person's face and eyeline automatically turns the next shot into a POV. In fact, it takes a lot of effort to convince the audience of any POV shot. It generally requires a hand held or steadicam feel amongst other signifiers. Establishing a POV from a car has a library of signifiers that clue the audience - namely is that there is a piece of the windshield to lock the viewer's position.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Furthermore, this is clearly a reverse master shot of the entire scene as the camera is placed higher than eye level and tracks in smooth, omniscient manner. One can only interpret camera meaning this poorly if your sense of visual aesthetics is completely broken.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">On another note, the timing of the flame glow on the cop faces connects with the wreck as they pass. Emerson may not understand this, but that is a directorial choice that lead to a complicated rig of a moving car and special effect lighting. It is not a decision made lightly. Contrary to his assertion, Nolan’s camera and timing are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">methodical.</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “Did I say 2, no in the next shot there are 3.”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">He points out that in one shot there is an extra cop car in the back. This is obviously a continuity mistake in one shot. Shit happens. But you can clearly see they tried to edit around so that the third car is obscured quickly. In normal speed you really don’t see it. It is only seen for a couple frames before obscured by the lead car, and that microedit is the ONLY time it happens. This is precisely the type of editing fix that a filmmaker agonizes over to see what they can get away with but Emerson now uses a freeze frame as if the entire sequence is compromised.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “Where is this expendable guy?”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Emerson does have a point here (throw enough darts, I guess). This is the one beat where the action can legitimately be misconstrued. The guy is in the car in the front looking in his rearview mirror. Then the truck rams second car beside it, possibly insinuating he was in it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">However the solution is not to cut out the close-up as he implies (if he directed a chase sequence it would apparently never have a cutaway to any drivers). It needed a shot of the second car catching up to the truck to clarify, or the hit could have happened in his rearview mirror connected to his look. Or maybe not, it certainly isn't a deal breaker. But then Emerson fucks his point up with-</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “We’re introduced to people in close-up or medium shot with no context, just a second or two before they’re dispatched.”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Context is highly relative by his terms. But adding reactions of drivers in multi-car chases is very common, humanizing, and not a sign of incompetence.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “You would think he would be looking in the direction he got hit, but wherever he is Harvey knows which way the van is traveling, why don’t we?”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Emerson makes a point that the truck got hit and Harvey faces the wrong direction for his reaction, but our critic has pulled a fast one. Using the same angle we use to establish Harvey’s seat in the truck, he actually turns first to his right toward the back during the hit, and then as he looks anxiously toward the drivers Emerson FREEZE FRAMES on his left turn, misleading the audience. Very unethical.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">He then claims confusion as the editing violates the 180 degree line. But here is another example of how that “rule” is successfully broken. The action cut of Harvey being jolted is split with his head turn and the after shake of the SWAT drivers. The ACTION MATCH CUT clearly seams it together as the only thing we really react to is the impact. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The simple question that must be asked is what happened in this scene? Truck hits SWAT. Harvey jolts. SWAT drivers react and keep driving, and we know they are driving the truck. This is very clear without Emerson’s obfuscation of the 180 degree line.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “If we think of this less as a three dimensional space than a two dimensional graphic space, like three flat comic frames, then the shots do make a kind of sense.”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">He uses this completely random thought game to justify his argument that the sequence doesn’t make sense. But not only is film not two dimensional, it’s not even three. It’s got the fourth dimension of time, and like any mathematical equation the simpler the dimension the less you can solve. That’s why it doesn’t work in his freeze framed two dimensions, but works in our active moving four and allows to factor in kinetics like shock cuts.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: When the semi hits the SWAT van, it flies into the river in the wrong direction.</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This claim is inexplicable. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The sequencing starts with the semi hitting the van and pushing it to the right.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The driver is thrown to the right off the impact as the van turns right.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The semi twists into the next lane, acting as the force of the impact, to the right.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The van flies off into the river to the right.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/d.jpg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It’s all correct. Emerson is just confused.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: “Didn’t the SWAT truck and the other two trucks used to be where the semi is now? With the river on the right?”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/50.jpg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Water is on both sides, as bridges over rivers are apt to do. This is just trolling.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: The Joker shooting gun/bazooka sequence violates the Axis of Action and is confusing.</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/55.jpg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This adherence to this generic axis of action just doesn’t correspond to how we grasp images, especially in high velocity car chases. The reality is that each action sequence can have it’s own internal architecture in which a number of factors can influence how we perceive it. Just as much as standing on the ledge of a building would shift your awareness downward from left to right (making the axis of action up and down), factors like the actual shape of the environment can rearrange how we orient our screen direction. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In this case, this is very precise geometric construction where two cars are driving down two narrow lanes, side by side, separated by a divider with columns that whiz by between them.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/h.jpg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This helps orient us like standing on the the ledge of a tall building in that we are constantly calculating where our boundries are. The vice-like pathway also is abundant in movement reminders with passing background and passing columns in foreground. We clearly see how reversing shots between the Joker and SWAT drivers relate by the flipping movement of the backgrounds. If you only analyzed this sequence from a two dimensional axis of action, you would miss those four dimensional movements that frame each shot.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Then we factor that the semi truck looks very distinct from the SWAT truck, which reinforces symbolic, object, or pattern recognition (whatever you want to call it). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/j.jpg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The problem with a clinical 180 degree line technique of filmmaking is that ignores human memory, as if all we did were look at screen direction. If this were so, POV shots would never work. Instead, POV’s work off of association where the audience naturally interprets the shot as from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">within </i>someone’s head. The human mind is powerful: it can decipher information from many different ways. Symbolic association is one that Nolan is very good at, and the sequence is confidently made.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In fact, there is an actual line cross that Emerson praises. When the Joker fires into the truck, he exclaims that the cop inside is finally linked to what side he is sitting on. The cut from outside (right to left) to inside the truck (left to right) is a line cross that would “confuse” which directions he is going in, but works because it is a MATCH CUT on the bullets. But Emerson thinks this finally clues him into where he is oriented – using the association the rest of us already use during the whole sequence.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/54.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/56.jpg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Here, axis of action gives an overall sense of direction, but only as an overall pointer.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: Emerson has recut a sequence in where Batman crashes into the garbage truck. He claims he has fixed Nolan’s edit and that it is better.</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">All because he misunderstands a shot where the Batmobile crosses under the moving camera to build acceleration. Objects get faster as they come closer to camera. This is just a variation of a car flying over camera mounted to a road.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/57.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/58.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/59.jpg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Also, that editorial “fix” is ridiculous.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: The Batmobile jumping over the car with the explosion has a continuity problem with a disappearing SWAT truck.</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/70.jpg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Nobody’s perfect.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: Arial;">CLAIM: He claims Salt is better directed than this.</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/salt.jpg" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Nobody's perfect.*</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">*Yeah yeah, I know. I should talk.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div></div>Joseph Kahnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17856118497554490394noreply@blogger.com90tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2723694708241783897.post-79337572971035734502011-07-04T00:38:00.000-07:002011-07-04T01:04:10.621-07:00ASIAN INVASION<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">As we celebrate July 4th, it occurs to me that Josh Hutcherson, one of the stars of my upcoming movie DETENTION, has a patriotic film coming up called RED DAWN. This is a film I am looking forward to seeing because I liked the original, and it also stars my good friend Will Yun Lee as the bad guy. It’s a movie about America being invaded by a foreign country and a group of kids shooting back while eating deer meat. I am hoping they update this remake and have the kid who kills the deer be gay, so that the rest of the movie the kids have soy flavored, gluten free deer jerky as they fight for America.<br />
<br />
However there is some controversy to the film. They had shot it with the invading country being China, but the Chinese government protested and the studio decided to digitally change the country to North Korea – a country that won’t protest because their movie projectors are made out of 1,000 starving schoolchildren making funny shapes with their bodies.<br />
<br />
There is a lesson here, and it is not that Hollywood are pussies that bow to censorship at political pressure from thin skinned foreign governments. The lesson very clearly is this:<br />
<br />
<strong>ALL ASIAN PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE.</strong><br />
<br />
OK white people, let's get the obvious out of the way: Asian people have slanted eyes. This allows us to see in cinemascope and paint excellent pictures of watercolored landscapes. The extra peripheral vision is very useful in blocking kung fu kicks. In ten percent of the population, the slanted eyes actually achieve night vision.<br />
<br />
Though labelled yellow, Asian people come packaged in an assortment of colors. My friend Dan Ming is darker than Beyonce, but ironically, Dan Ming's karaoke is whiter than Frank Sinatra. Personally, my farmer's tan on my arms is darker than my chest, therefore I am proof that like <em>Autobots</em>, Asians come in duo-tone colors. Do not try to make out with an Asian who is grey. He's dead.<br />
<br />
All Asians eat rice. Bread is ok, but rice is nice. In North Korea, there is no rice, so Asians eat each other. The grey ones taste terrible.<br />
<br />
Now that I have described the basic physical traits of Asians, let's proceed to learn the differences between different Asian cultures. I will describe this within context of universal racial equality and a utopian ideal of peaceful coexistance. <br />
<br />
I will compare Asians to aliens in <em>Star Trek.</em><br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">JAPANESE ARE VULCANS!!!</span></strong><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/spock.gif" /><br />
<br />
<br />
Vulcans used to be war-like but renounced their violent past to become a technologically sophisticated society based on peace and logic. However, during mating season, they go pretty fucking weird and watch animated porn with schoolgirls being raped by a giant octopus. <br />
<br />
Example: that nerd on Heroes.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/cast_hiro.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">SOUTH KOREANS ARE ROMULANS!!!</span></strong><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/Romulan.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Romulans are close cousins to Vulcans who embraced their war-like nature while still achieving a technologically advanced society. Romulans are fairly chill, but anger them and they will throw their Samsung plasma screens at your head. Also, they are not turned on by giant octopus. <br />
<br />
Example: Will Yun Lee, Me.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/WillYunLee2.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">NORTH KOREANS ARE KLINGONS!!!</span></strong><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/klingon.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Klingons have a Great Leader problem and a hard-on for photon torpedoes. They're basically nuts. Starfleet Federation has imposed economic sanctions, but this means crap because Great Leader thinks he was born from a giant egg. What the fuck. <br />
<br />
Example: I hope to God I don't look like this guy when I grow up.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/jong.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">CHINESE ARE BORG!!!</span></strong><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/borg.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Borg must assimilate the entire universe until everyone is Borg. One way to do this is by never being wrong. Even if you have a ferociously capitalistic market economy, just call it communism anyway. Because Borg are never wrong. That's right Taiwan, you must be assimilated. <br />
<br />
Example: General Chang from Star Trek 6: Undiscovered Country*<br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/General_Chang.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<em>*Hold on, Kahn, you say. General Chang is an actual Klingon! I say: his last name is Chang. That’s Chinese as fuck. And look at his Fu Manchu moustache. He looks like he wants to beat Jackie Chan’s ass in Drunken Master. Anyway, it’s my blog, my rules. Fuck you.</em><br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">THAI'S ARE BETAZOIDS!!!</span></strong><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/betazoid.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Betazoids are telepathic and empathetic. These are the nicest and politest Asians you will ever meet. Even when they have military coupe's, they're extremely polite. So assholes, stop sending your pedophiles to their country. <br />
<br />
Example: DETENTION stunt coordinator/fight choreographer Don Therrada (example of polite Thai person, not pedophile). <br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/don.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">VIETNAMESE ARE FERENGI!!!</span></strong><br />
<br />
<strong><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/ferengi.jpg" /></strong><br />
<br />
Ferengi caused some controversy when they were first created because they were criticized as thinly veiled depictions of offensive Jewish stereotypes: greedy. But I will now usurp that offensive stereotype and place it on my Vietnamese friends, because you know you motherfuckers love money.<br />
<br />
Example: Professional Poker Player<br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/wpo-champ-scotty-nguyen.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">FILIPINO'S ARE RANDOM ALIEN CHICKS CAPTAIN KIRK BANGED!!!</span></strong><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/aliengirl9gl.jpg" /><br />
<br />
So I was on this job and my Half Filipino producer thought a full Filipino crew girl might be good for someone she knew. But then the Filipino crew girl got drunk and started dancing the lesbian dance on top of the bar. I dunno, maybe it's the island thing.<br />
<br />
Example: Damn.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/nicole_scherzinger_german_20080812_01.jpg" /><br />
<br />
And finally:<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">JEWS ARE CAPTAIN KIRK!!!</span></strong><br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/MISC_startrek_Shahna02.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Captain Kirk banged a whole lot of alien women. I think he rarely hooked up with a human. If the girl had three eyes or teeth in her vagina, he was all up in it. You could say he had ALIEO FEVER. If there one subset of white men who bang a lot of Asian women, it’s Jewish men. They even asked why this is in the SOCIAL NETWORK, and I will answer it here:<br />
<br />
There has been this racist thing where certain WASPs tell Jews they are not white enough culturally, and that they have physical traits that aren’t American enough. But to Asian people, ALL WHITE PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE. We can’t tell that Woody Allen isn’t Robert Redford. To an Asian girl, he’s white. He’s Brad Pitt. You don't have to luck out and be one of those super good looking Liev Shriebers. To Asian girls, all Jews are just really smart, successful Brad Pitts. And who really gives a shit about Christmas.<br />
<br />
Jewish guys love Asian girls. Asian girls love Jewish guys. And secretly, they both know if they reproduce, their kids are going to end up being the Harvard versions of this:<br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/angelina-jolie.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Example: the Facebook guy.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/Mark-chan-and-Beast.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Yeah. Their kids are going to be hot.<br />
<br />
</div>Joseph Kahnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17856118497554490394noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2723694708241783897.post-54745930124735276602010-06-06T23:40:00.000-07:002010-06-06T23:40:38.643-07:00How To Be A Director<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px;"> <!--StartFragment--> </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: small;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">How to be a director <o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I’m currently prepping an independent movie that I am spending my own money on. Hollywood rule number one is to never spend your own money on a project, but if you can’t invest in something you believe in, then <b>burn</b> your money anyway. I’ve been reluctant to make another movie unless a script comes across that I absolutely love, and that script has never surfaced. I think I hate the stories Hollywood wants to tell. They bore the shit out of me. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">So with the Canadian Mark Palermo™ I wrote one. I’m assembling my video and commercial crew to make it in the way I want - no fucking interference. Anyone who follows my video work knows this is my modus operandi. I do one for them, I do one for me. Before I do my next studio feature, I just need to do one totally for me...and that may mean for you too. I’m going to make a movie I want to see, period. I think there are enough of you out there curious enough to see what that means.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">So as I start my journey, let me help you with yours. I am going to help you aspiring filmmakers by posting advice I wrote a while ago. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">How to be a director.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Let me break it down for you, brothers and sisters.</span></i><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Lets begin with the basics.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/110501stoneoliver.jpg" /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The <b>Closed Eye Camera Concentration Pose</b> is a fundamental skill that must be mastered. Notice the light touch Oliver Stone has on the extended eyepiece and the graceful arch of his back. Everything comes together effortlessly. A collared long sleeve shirt creates a nice slimming v-line down the front, making him look like a <i>natural born killer.</i> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">After about ten years, you can move on to <b>Angry Director Pose</b> in which the camera sits below you...</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/romanek.jpg" /></span></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Here Mark Romanek demonstrates absolutely perfect form as his hand is extended onto a lens, mouth open, brows pressed. Notice how the video monitor lands right in front of the camera assistant's face, allowing us to take in the breathtaking power of the pose without <i>distracting below-the-line interference.</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Yet...you can still infer the assistant is female, thus granting Romanek a liberal, progressive political bent that will be very useful in wooing movie stars like Tom Hanks.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">After decades of practice, your Angry Director Pose can reach <i>undreamed levels of intimidation.</i> Here, Stanley Kubrick asks for coffee.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/kubeyes.jpg" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Another critical skill a director must wield is the power to make an imaginary camera with your hands. There are many variations of this technique, but the most simple and elegant I have ever seen is <b>Steven Spielberg's Victory Point.</b></span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/savingfingers.jpg" /></span></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I have attempted to use the Victory Point myself, but could not wrap my eyes between the points of the fingers, and the mysterious positioning of the thumb adds a level of thematic complexity that is hard to fathom. What is the thumb? Why is he smiling? <i>What does it all mean?</i></span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/munichfingers.jpg" /></span></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">In the hands of a benevolent Spielberg, the power of the Victory Point can bring joy and laughter to the world. However, in the hands of an angry Spielberg, the Victory Point can bring death and destruction. Here, Spielberg balls his fist and brings down a rain of locusts on Brett Ratner.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/spielberg-pointer.jpg" /></span></span></span></b></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-size: 11px; line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The Hands of Cinema</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">, as demonstrated by Ridley Scott, is a classic, timeless tool of the director. Peering between your hands at an invisible movie screen brings much joy to actors. Notice the rare pacified look on Russell Crowe's face.</span></span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/crowescott.jpg" /></span></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">One of the most powerful moves in a directors arsenal, the Hands of Cinema should be used sparingly and in complete silence. Here Steven Spielberg accidentily spreads the fingers of his left hand. Five production assistants died of heart attacks.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/wide.jpg" /></span></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">When you reach Grand Master status as Martin Scorsese has here, the Hands of Cinema will project beams of light and Leonardo DiCaprio will sit in awe, offering prayers to your Immortal Power.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/scorsesehands.jpg" /></span></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Now, this is a very advanced technique...</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/Coppola.jpg" /></span></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Coppola has broken the Hands of Cinema and uses the remaining energy to turn the photograph black and white. The visual impact of using one palm is so great that Coppola has hypnotized Steve Jobs to pay him money.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Moving along students, study the following closely:</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/lynch.jpg" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Notice how Naomi Watts is in complete awe as David Lynch weilds <b>The Palm.</b> The sunken headphones add a nice touch as Lynch is sending mixed messages: his ears are open, but he denies her his eyes. This push/pull technique is highly effective at controlling your actors, allowing you to mindfuck and then bang your lead actress, thus achieving ultimate victory for you nerds.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Which brings us to:</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/mnight1.jpg" /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Now I love M. Night films, but here he is in poor form. His shoulders are hunched, his face shows slight concern, and he has allowed a man in a sweater to lurch over his shoulder. Even though Night later had the man executed, I still think it was poor form to allow this to happen. In my opinion, the entire Assistant Director department should have been executed as well.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/shyamalan.jpg" /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Now here Night is in top form. His tight expensive t-shirt flawlessly shows his biceps and his nipples peek out from a set of well developed pecs. I think it was a good call not to look into the camera otherwise his physique would not have been in perfect alignment. He looks very fuckable. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">And finally:</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; line-height: normal; white-space: pre;"><img src="http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/joefilmfan/directors/fincher.jpg" /></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Now at first glance this would seem to be an innocuous photo of David Fincher demonstrating the Closed Eye Camera Concentration Pose, but if you look closely, Fincher is looking through with his <i>left </i>eye. Fincher believes that the left eye is connected to the right creative hemisphere of the brain, so by using his left eye he can process images with more nuance. This true story -<i> I shit you not</i> - is a perfect application of creating a completely insane mystique about yourself and scaring the living daylights out of stoned film students.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I hope this has helped all of you. Go forth and rule the world.</span></div><!--EndFragment--> </span>Joseph Kahnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17856118497554490394noreply@blogger.com49