Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Bieber Is A Stupid Name

Never in the history of entertainment has one risen so far and fast with such an incredibly stupid last name as Justin Bieber.

As a word “bieber” sounds like one of three things:

1)   a piece of plastic you wear around your neck at Red Lobster

2)   a flavor of German baby food marinated inside Bavarian sheep 

3)   dildo


Back in the old days (2003), the male sexmeat usually came to the plate with a bad ass last name that denoted both virility and awesome whiteness. Nick CARTER (Nordic Fire), Justin TIMBERLAKE (Southern Strength), Robbie WILLIAMS (English Elegance). Further back there were He-Men like Marky MARK (Archer), Frankie AVALON (I’m not Italian), and George MICHAEL (so hetero he had two male names).


There is no question “Bieber” is at the least a white last name.  The name is simply too weak to survive in the rough world of the darker people. If he were a black guy in the NBA, “Bieber” would be a referee. If he were a Mexican crossing the border, “Bieber” would have his lung cavities stuffed full of cocaine. If he were Afghan, “Bieber” would be on a Unicef poster with one arm. If he were Chinese, “Bieber” would have been eaten by Xia Xedong second week in the shipping container.

Only in the nurturing fantasy world of white people can a name like Bieber be given a free pass to reproduce and subsequently give progeny ridiculous names like “Apple”, “River”, or “Topher Grace.”** So yes, Bieber is a white name, but the problem is it’s the name of a 1970’s Gimp. Bieber is the white guy you keep chained to the helicoptor in a Luchadore mask until white men named Avalon need it to make them a sandwich made from dead Cambodians.

**And white people have the balls to make fun of how black people name their kids...

So why is this guy the most popular entertainer in America?

Bieber is the dingleberry that fell short from the Timberlake tree. They are both white guys named Justin who sing and dance. Grasp that, people. Compute it. Flashback over the last ten years and and realize that we are cloning our ideas. If our baby comes out with a fucked up name and lesbian bob, we are ok with getting it just half done.

This is the stupidest form of American laziness since the country voted the second George Bush in because he shared an identical name with his father. Or giving Hillary a shot because her last name was Clinton. Or that JFK Jr. idiot who flew his plane into a fucking storm. Yes, idiot. If I did that, no nation would mourn me. The newspaper headline would read:

Now, it may seem strange that a well established pop music director like myself would complain about the taste of the general public in a bestselling artist. I don’t really have a problem with Bieber outside of his name and his Canadian mountie haircut. I really haven’t heard any Bieber songs, including the ones they sent me to write treatments on.

I guess I’m just more of a Timberlake guy. Stop trying to reboot him. The Sam Raimi version was fine.


  1. Bieber is also German for "beaver". Seriously. Look it up!

  2. a hilariously entertaining read as always. looking forward to more

  3. Marvelous. He's also making the world's youth believe they can skip any hard work and 'Just' make a bunch of YouTube videos. Very interesting observations as usual bro! Love it!

  4. George MICHAEL (so hetero he had two male names)

  5. Laughed so hard - peed just a little. Thanks!

  6. OMFG, its fckin hilarious! LMFAO

  7. If justin bieber asked you to manage his next video, you would say yes ?... for the challenge.

  8. Hi , I am an Asian and I support you!

  9. A bit late but i always remember this when he comes up: