Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Chinese Guy

Jackie Chan does all his own stunts. But what you don’t know is before he does his insane leap from one building to another, he has another Chinese Guy jump first just to test it out. If that guy lives, then Jackie jumps on film.

Everybody should have a Chinese Guy.

Jackie has a Chinese Guy.

And I have a Chinese Guy. His name is Dan Ming.


Dan Ming

I recently shot a charity video for Haiti. Before I went into Haiti, sneaking through the Dominican Republic border, I sent Dan Ming in advance of me. He thought he was there to shoot some additional b-roll footage, but really I was just checking to see if he would die. Two days later, emaciated, hardened, living on a diet of ginseng roots and dried shark fins, it was clear Dan was only 56.75% likely to die from the experience.

That was good enough for me and TK.*



*TK organized the trip. Me, him, a Haitian production assistant, and whatever we could carry on our backs. A year ago I was shooting in Africa. When we were done, TK stayed behind and hitchhiked into the Congo where he spent a month in jail being accused of being a CIA agent. So the point is, we had no idea what the fuck we were doing in Haiti.

But his blog is not about Haiti. This blog is about How To Own Your Own Dan Ming.

First, ownership is not a hobby. It is a responsibility. Yes, owning a Dan Ming can be a very rewarding experience, but remember, Dan Ming was Made in ChinaTM. Do not let children under five years old play with him unsupervised in lieu of choking hazards.

I used to think he was C-3PO because there were many similarities between them. Skinny yellow robot, skinny yellow man. One is fluent in three million galactic languages, the other speaks three million forms of Friend Zone. You can detatch C-3PO's limbs; Dan likes yoga. They both like white chicks.



Dan Ming likes white chicks.

But having travelled the world over with my Chinese Protocol Droid, I realize he's not C-3PO at all. C-3PO wore the same yellow suit wherever he went. Dan Ming morphs. No matter what climate or culture we get dropped in, Dan is like a magical GI Joe figure with an endless line of accessories (though he was clearly designed by George Lucas). I have no idea where Dan stores the clothes he does for every location we go to. As far as I know, all he brings with him on the plane is his iphone, several thousand dollars*, and three or four relatives in the cargohold.

*Chinese people do not like debt and therefore avoid credit cards whenever possible. This makes them extremely attractive to home invading Korean thugs. But warning…Dan's ancestors were all eunuchs who got their balls chopped off - yet they still managed to breed. The only other creatures that ever managed to do this were the velociraptors in Jurassic Park.

When you buy your own Dan Ming, don't expect him to just start entertaining you with his fancy costumes and ability to pass off low waisted hugs as harmlessly platonic. First of all, when you open the box, you might be shocked to see how much assembly is required:



(extra small child labor hands sold seperately)

This may be an overwhelming challenge to assemble your first Dan Ming, but listen up White People, if you can take 30 minutes to assemble the Ikea Svortik Coffee table, you can take the fucking time to click Dan Ming's leg into place. Or at least activate Dan's head so that he can instruct your maid in Spanish to do the rest.

So now you've activated your Dan Ming. Where to start? What to do? I suggest exploring DESERT DAN mode.



This starter position is a good way to get acquainted with the basic survival mechanism of your Dan Ming, namely his uncanny ability to recirculate his urine internally to keep himself hydrated. In combination with Chinese herbal remedies, Dan Ming can survive indefinitely in the desert. Give him a supply of tiger penis powder, and he will actually turn into a terracotta soldier and live forever.*

*I have never eaten tiger penis powder, but I would assume it tastes something like Goretex- the waterproof material that covers rain gear and Canadians. One day scientists plan to clone human cells around Goretex creating artificial organs. I believe science has not only created that organ, it has created an entire man out of Goretex.


That man is Dan Ming.

GORETEX DAN is waterproof and virtually indestructible. His shiny high tech blue skin deflects gun shots and racial taunts.



However, he is not completely invincible as you can see below.

STRENGTH: 18 (+2)

STAMINA: 17 (+3)

CONSTITUTION: 14 (-1)

INTELLIGENCE: 18 (-1)

WISDOM: 17 (-2)

The blue goretex armour decreases his Wisdom enough that high level Wizards have a good shot at him. I would suggest using a MAGIC FIREBALL and aiming it at his iphone. After slaying him, collect gold coins, health potions, and $6300 in US cash.

For those of you who might still be thinking – "I like Dan, but…I wish he were more white." The new upgrade comes with a SCUBA DAN mode.



Aqua-Ming.

White chicks like to strap explosive water tanks onto their backs and swim underwater. White guys end up strapping on tanks and following them, sometimes to their own deaths. This is where western culture's fascination with mermaids comes from. Also, it's why Australia exists.

If Dan ever dies, it will surely be underwater trying to give a friend zone hug to a busted Nicole Kidman looking mermaid.

There are no mermaids in the Middle East, but there is IRAQI FREEDOM DAN.


 GI Cho

If we're ever serious about catching Osama Bin Laden, activate five of these tough sons of bitches. There is no IED in the world that can blast through Dan's schzechuan skin.

Of course sometimes, Mings go bad. Bin Laden could get wise and offer him 72 busted Nicole Kidman looking mermaids to flip sides, and then we would have to contend with the ultimate weapon of mass destruction - AL QAEDA DAN.



His WMD is MSG.

Thankfully, an actual Ming did go to heaven and all that happened was the mermaids played Charlotte Gainsbourg records, nullifying Osama's offer.

Finally, for advanced collectors, you can play with Dan in the snow. Collect enough Mings and you can invade Planet Hoth and crush the Rebel Alliance once and for all.



Charlie don't ski.

Anyway, the point of this blog is that two weeks ago Dan died in a horrible sudoku accident. We will all miss him.*



* Obviously not true. It's hard to kill a man who drinks tiger penis powder.